Quest for Candor
Sam Culbert wrote a wonderful, short book called “Beyond Bullsh*t: Straight-talk at Work.” The book contrasts straight talk that is anchored in honest disclosure from bullsh*t, which is anchored in maneuvering for a desired effect on the listener. It is the difference between talking simply and talking like a lawyer. While it may be true that many of the ills in our organizations and our politics are due to too much lawyer-speak (aka “bullsh*t”) there is a sad inevitability to some level of it in many of our interactions. I loved the book and recommend it heartily to anyone who has wondered why more people do not simply tell the truth about who they are and what they are doing. Following is an excerpt from Culbert’s book (taken with his permission), along with some questions for discussion:
-What situations demand bullsh*t?
-How and when can we create safe, candid relationships?
-What, exactly, is the relaionship between bullsh*t and behavioral integrity?
Straight-talk at work! There isn’t much we crave more yet get less of. We want others to say candidly what they think, be forthcoming about what they have done and be upfront about what they are planning. We want honest reactions to what we propose; we want to believe our views are receiving serious consideration; we want to know when others are no longer listening with open minds; we want to hear the real reason someone resists doing what we have asked — we want to know where we stand. Instead, what we mostly get is bullsh*t. In spoken words; in actions taken. Worst of all, the bullsh*t sometimes comes so disguised we don’t even recognize it as such.
There are, though, special moments when others tell it to us straight — even when their views differ from ours. They refrain from euphemism, don’t spin their words, forthrightly relate all relevant facts, share their feelings and may even go so far as to reveal what they personally have at stake. In other words, there are times — albeit rare ones — when others tell us the naked truth as they know it. We love it when others don’t obscure what they mean, mislead us or lull us into thinking their agendas include our interests unless they actually do. We treasure these moments.
Decades of research and consulting with professionals and managers have convinced me that straight-talk at work is possible. But it requires more than luck and willing people. Straight-talk is the product of thoughtful caring relationships built upon trust by people committed to looking out for one another’s success. It entails much more than let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may candor and blunt start-to-finish honesty. And, it’s not brought about by cat-and-mouse, testing-the-waters conversation that evolves into a tell-it-straight, see if you can get the other person to reciprocate discussion. Straight-talk is a caring, other-sensitive, candor-on-demand, loyalty-producing, intimacy-escalating, give-and-take relationship leading to enhanced personal and organizational productivity.
Compounding the difficulties of getting straight-talk at work is the ever-present need to pretend that “straight-talk” is already taking place. We know it isn’t but the rules of the corporate-speak force us to behave as if it were ubiquitous. Everyone needs others to think they’re telling “it” perfectly straight. No one ever begins a conversation by saying, “Listen carefully while I bullsh*t you.” People strike a sincere pose, look you squarely in the eyes and then deliver a stream of self-serving verbiage designed to get your support for their agendas. It’s business as usual.
Usually what we’re getting is so obvious there’s little need to allege deception. It’s corporately correct advocacy carefully composed to appear logical, rational and objective. Our role is to look friendly, nod appropriately and, when possible, feign sufficient agreement to get away asking the questions that allow us to decide the impact their proposal will have on us. If we conclude what’s advocated is not sufficiently self-advantageous, we push back, citing the proposal’s failure to serve the organization, never its failure to benefit us. In other words, we block other people’s bullsh*t with some of our own.
Everyone knows that succeeding at work requires us to spin what we say, withhold some of what we know and pretend to believe things that we know to be untrue. At work we’re constantly challenged to trust what others tell us. But at the end of the day, we know that all communications are designed, first and foremost, to advance the self-interested agendas of the communicators. That may sound cynical, but it is also true. Like every other aspect of life, the world at work is driven by self-interests. Straight-talk begins by facing up to the fact that ours is a self-interested world.
No question about it. Getting straight-talk at work is often an arduous task, requiring skill, sensitivity and judgment. When a person wanting straight-talk doesn’t see us reciprocating, even when our intention is to tell it straight, we can count on the conversation going south. We all know the drill and inevitable outcome. Bullsh*t perceived leads to bullsh*t dispensed.
On the other hand, straight-talk met with straight-talk has the potential to create invaluable bonds, even when our viewpoint doesn’t prevail. How can we win when we lose? Because straight-talk reveals the other person’s self-interests, and such a revelation can produce understanding and respect, no matter whose position prevails. Sensing our respect, others become friendlier and more accommodating, eager to “purchase” additional good will and support. It’s a fact that being known as a straight-talker is a form of interpersonal currency today.
Taken from an organizational perspective, there’s no greater contribution to operational effectiveness and success than conversations in which people with conflicting viewpoints discuss their differences forthrightly. In fact, decades of researching how managers function have convinced me that straight-talk leading to trusting relationships is the quintessential management tool. With straight-talk, mistakes in planning and action can be quickly rectified, and people — even those with marked limitations — are able to lead more effectively. With straight-talk, missteps can be studied and corrected without blame being laid or inadequacy implied, saving all the energy typically squandered on those pointless activities.
Without straight-talk even the best-laid plans and most expertly executed actions often fail to have the desired effects. Instead, groups splinter and individuals become jurisdictional, image-conscious, self-protective and competitive with their teammates, hide their mistakes, fail to self-correct, persist in dissembling — the list is endless. From the organization’s standpoint, straight-talk and the trusting relationships it creates is an invaluable asset that ought to be listed on the year-end financial statement under “Corporate Assets and Accumulated Good Will.”
But too often, bullsh*t is the elephant in the room that blocks people from talking straight. And it’s an elephant rarely dealt with until its presence becomes too blatant to ignore. At that point, someone may finally sneeze out “bullsh*t.” However, sneezing out “bullsh*t” is seldom enough to nullify its negative impacts. Much more is required to deal with it effectively, beginning with distinguishing it from truth-telling, from candor and from straight-talk.
Until you can recognize the bullsh*t in the “truths” people tell you and understand why they resort to it, often unconsciously, you’re ill-prepared to decide whether straight-talk is even possible. Thus the first step in getting more straight-talk is better understanding of what bullsh*t is and why even the best-intentioned people use it as an ever-ready, essential personal tool. You need to know what its use accomplishes. Bullsh*t persists in organizational life because it works, and we can’t get beyond it until we understand why it’s so often necessary.
……
Finally, a word of warning. Like it or not, you’re going to have to make peace with an unpleasant fact. The vast majority of work-life interactions require that you not call people on their bullsh*t. Why? Because… bullsh*t often serves important workplace functions. The open-ended question you’re going to have to ask is “When is it possible to move beyond bullsh*t?” to reap the many benefits straight-talk can offer.
Now, for the questions again. What do YOU think?
With luck, we might even see a response from Sam himself!
-What situations demand bullsh*t?
-How and when can we create safe, candid relationships?
-What, exactly, is the relaionship between bullsh*t and behavioral integrity?
Led another firewalk yesterday…
…and it was amazing. Several participants had major breakthroughs, andthe rest merely felt massively empowered and energized. All participants walked the fire, no burns at all. I love doing this work. I love seeing people transform before my eyes. Here are a few of the most eloquent testamonials I got from last night’s participants:
“I broke through something so deep inside myself that I didn’t even know it was holding me back. In a safe, protected environment, strangers became friends and opened our hearts to each other. And then we walked through fire together. Yes! Yes! Yes!” — Marne O’Shae, physician
“To be given both perspective and self-confidence is a truly beautiful thing. Thank you Tony.” — Grant B., butcher
“Do not bring anything with you.
There is nothing to prepare for.
The journey takes you through yourself
No matter where you are
Each step toward the fire, is your next step in life.
Each step on the fire is the process of awakening.
Each step away from the fire
Is filled with gratitude.
Thank you.” — Ira Kamp, dentist/acupuncturist
“Tonight was unbelievably powerful. I conquered what was keeping me from all that I can be. I conquered myself. I am filled with power beyond measure. I can create and do anything. I am my own creator.” — Josh M., student
What fun to be able to share that with people! Keep spreading the word. I want my firewalks to be BIG. Next walk: August 20.
The Firewalk of Integrity
I have just completed my firewalk instructor certification course with the Firewalk Institute of Research and Education (F.I.R.E., get it?). It was a mind-boggling experience is no many ways. I learned some WONDERFUL new training tools for empowerment — and, as side benefits, I felt massively empowered myself by doing all these exercises. Oh, and I also joined a new family that welcomed my integrity work and totally got how integrity is a firewalk. Wow, could I possibly have hoped for more?
I first did a firewalk three or so years ago, as the first evening of a three-day goal-setting retreat. What a thing! First the firewalk convinces you that you can do anything, and then you spend a few days setting up a BHAG (“big hairy audacious goal”– a Jim Collins expression) that you can live your life into. That was when I decided to become a thought leader by 2014. Anyway, the firewalk was outrageously empowering and deep, had that effect on everyone present, and nobody at all got hurt! So, now I am trained and certified to share that experience with others.
I see myself offering simple firewalks — stripped down, they pack a whole lot of personal transformation into a single evening. I also see myself doing integrity dividend firewalks, both as one-evening events and also as part of longer integrity dividend programs.
How, you might ask, is integrity a firewalk? Let’s start with the fact that integrity is sometimes terrifying. It can mean confronting the messes you have created, telling people things they do not want to hear, admitting vulnerabilities, changing comfortable habits, holding yourself accountable, holding others accountable, others holding you accountable… A lot of scary stuff. Fear is by no means the only thing that keeps people back from integrity — there is also greed and sloth and a few other of the deadly sins. (Come to think of it, why isn’t fear one of the deadly sins? Perhaps it should be. It has certainly caused people to do some horrible things.) Anyhow, fear is something that holds many people back from going for fuller integrity. So now, with use of the firewalk and some other exercises, I help people conquer their fear.
I am thrilled to be able to offer that gift to people.
Integrity only SEEMS to start with “I”
In reality, it starts with “U” (you). What I mean is, you need to start with a deep and abiding appreciation for the point of view of the other.
Because behavioral integrity is about being seen as living by your word. That may sound like an invitation to scam, but it isn’t. Sooner or later, people figure it out when you are scamming them. Especially people who work for you, because they watch you like a hawk. A colleague, Rod Kramer, calls employees “intuitive auditors” of their bosses.
Yes, authenticity, or internal alignment, is a critical driver of integrity. And it is about you, in the sense that a good hard look in the mirror is a good idea as one seeks to earn the integrity dividend. But in some deep way, integrity is not about you. it is about respecting how your words and actions look from the perspective of the people to whom you relate.
Communication is not what is said, but rather what is heard. And as I have learned from a few hard knocks, bad communication and bad coordination look an awful lot like bad faith, and they can draw forth the same consequences.
I am not saying it is necessary to actually be benevolent, although I think that would be a good idea. It would enhance your trustworthiness, which would enhance others’ trust in you and thus your effectiveness. But I believe that integrity can exist absent caring about others’ well-being — as long as you make it clear that is where you stand. But you have to care about their perspective if you are to earn the integrity dividend. You have to choose your words and actions with awareness of how they seem.
Leaders of all stripes are often asked to avoid not merely impropriety, but also the appearance of impropriety. Conflict of interest is sometimes defined thus.
In fact, I would suggest that Integrity starts with both “I” and “U”: Self-knowledge and self-control are necessary for the actual living by your word. But a profound appreciation of the other’s perspective is needed to support your ability to craft your behavior and your communication so that others “get” that you are living by your word. Since those who you relate to are mostly not idiots, the genuine living by your word is crucial over time. But it is not enough. You have to help them see it. To do that, you have to be able to see through their eyes.
Being the Betrayer… (cross-posted in forum)
This section of the forum is one of the most important, as it collects and considers stories
about how integrity functions and why. This is the place for presenting and discussing stories that are not already in The Integrity Dividend book. It is a way for all of us to keep learning about this fundamental issue.
Here is where we can tell and discuss stories about integrity failures, their causes and
consequences. The failures can be public — like the current banking crisis — or they can be failures of a boss you have had or known of. Or they can be our own. The story that follows describes one of my own integrity failures of a few years ago. If you have heard me speak, then you already know something about it… but there is more.
My school had just started a new degree program: A one-year accelerated MBA in hospitality. The new program opened up a new market for students: career switchers. These folks scored 50 points higher on entrance exams than our previous students. They were smart, driven, ambitious, and experienced — they were exciting to teach.
Read more »
